Super Genius Renaissance

I was blown away, what could i say? It all seemed to make sense you’re taking away everything and i can’t do without. I try to see the good in life but good things in life are hard to find. We’re blowing away, can we make this something good? Well I’ll try to do it right this time around, let’s start over. Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground. This love is killing me but your the only one, it is not over. I’ve taken all i can take and i cannot wait we’re wasting too much time being strong holding on can’t let it bring us down. My life with you means everything so i won’t give up that easily blowing away can we make this something good? Cause it’s all misunderstood.

You used to talk to me like i was the only one around. You used to lean on me, the only other choice was falling down. You used to walk with me like we had no where we needed to go. Nice and slow, to no place in particular. We used to have this figured out, we used to breathe without a doubt. The nights were clearer for the first time I’d see. We used to have this under control, we never thought we use to know. At least there’s you and at least there’s me. Can we get this back? Can we get this back to how it used to be? I used to reach for you and i got lost along the way. I used to listen, you always had the just right thing to say. I used to follow you, never really cared where we would go. Fast or slow to anywhere at all. I look around me and i want you to be there. Cause i miss the things that we shared. Look around you, it’s empty and you’re sad. Cause you miss the love that we had. Can we get this back? Can we get this back to how it used to be?

DREAM ON KENNETH! Specially for my beloved Grace <3 Anyway i already got the answer and it ended with a happy ending so thank you to whoever is blessing me.Today was kinda boring but i learn quite a few things. Woke up around 2pm? Went down to depot with Ah Di burn some paper notes and offer our prayers. Sat down listen to some scolding but it was not us who got the scolding so it’s okay. Went down to Lot 1 had our dinner off the Ah Di girlfriend Condo sat there do nothing and i realize Ah Di girlfriend youngest sister was my Junior during my sec school days. Exams is like SOON AND I FAILED TO STUDY. R.I.P Kenneth

Lastly I LOVE YOU GRACE <3 You know what i mean though we can’t be together but still we can be like how we used to be. Give me time i will come back for you that is IF MY FEELINGS NEVER FADE. LOL

3am

Life is as usual busy with tons and tons of stuff. If only i could just pause and take a little breather. Stress and stress and more stress, heartache and ache and ache. Thank you Ashley for the lunch today it’s been awhile since i ate home cooked food. Someday maybe Christmas we can do the usual although this year maybe a little different due to my curfew. If only things could go the way i wanted how great life would be. It’s been awhile since i really teared in front of someone but i did and amazingly it was Ashley. The last time i cried was age of 16 and i could clearly remember why i cried. Let’s not talk about it….

Mistakes after mistakes if only i could just do something about it. Had a phone conversation with Fiona was being reprimand for my foolishness. It’s been awhile since i chatted with Fiona and the first thing i got was scolding. I know i am a disappointment to many and i know how we grow up together and what we are now. Among all of you i am the worst. Shamefully knowing it yet i can’t do anything about it. I know how much all of you care for me and how much you guys dote on me.

I know how i use to be when i was young and i know how much you guys worries for me each time i go out in the middle of the night and start doing stupid stuff. The tears you guys had shed for me is countless. In your eyes i am just a kid a never grown up kid. The Kenneth you guys knew are not the same anymore. Trust me even if i have to become something from nothing i will do it just you guys wait.

Tomorrow need go down Depot with Ah Di and Co….. Let’s pray i won’t be late i have to repair my connection. Hope that idiots calls me on time which is 1pm otherwise i won’t make it at 3pm.

12am

This is what i call LIFE, Gonna have it with my dearest sister <3

“There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.”

“Life takes your dreams and turns them upside down; people talk about you when you’re not around. People make promises they just can’t keep, and I’ve come to realize that talk is cheap. Too often we don’t realize what we have until it’s gone; too often we wait too long to say “I’m sorry, I was wrong.” Sometimes it seems we hurt the ones we hold dearest to our hearts, and we allow foolish things to tear our lives apart.”

“Don’t waste time lingering over all that you could have, should have and would have done. Don’t spend your days thinking of how much better you could do; don’t long for something that has been and always will be out of your reach. Just live the days as they come. Wake up every morning and smile at the wonderful day that awaits. And when opportunity comes knocking on your door, don’t ignore it. Don’t run away. Pull yourself together, and open the door. Let love in.”

11pm

What a waste of time these days, conflicts with my cousin and co. Gosh can’t things just be settled in a much peaceful way. Why thing just have to turn out to be like this? So what if you won or i won another all we are a family. Gosh why can’t they just understand this.

Broke up with Michelle today and it’s like finally everything have ended for good. Being together with a trash like me it’s gonna burden her in the future. I am glad she understand thank you. Brought her a huge bear, chocolate, roses and a card. Imagine a guy like me carry such stuff but i guess it’s going to be the last time i am going to do this anyway. I won’t have the chance to do such things in the near future.

Finished my conflicts with my cousin saw Grace she was there waiting for me knowing i would be there. Sometimes i just don’t understand what wrong with me denying love. I know people still love despite the fact that love hurts just to feel that they are not alone but for me what wrong being alone? I have been like that for a year if it not for Michelle i would still be what am i now. Sort things out with her like seriously if it’s not for her i won’t be home this late. Open a bottle of Martel sat down with her and talk things out. It’s been awhile since i did such a thing. Look at me right now, failure in my studies, jobless, pending case, can’t be bothered attitude and etc. You know i know what kind of person i am, so please understand seriously. I am damn sick and tired of getting into a relationship like seriously. She cried i teared it’s been awhile since such a situation falls on me.

I am seriously damn stress of what to do in the near future i am like lost. Been quarreling with my family, friends aren’t any better, buddies don’t talk about it, girlfriend i just broke up, brothers worst. Should i just disappear i think everything is gonna be better without my existence. Too stress to even think of what to do. Been escaping for days and till now nothing is done, things get worst. What am i doing like seriously i guess i really do need sometime alone meanwhile i shall just be my usual masked self.

11pm

BROTHER!

Heard many thing happen to you lately uh? Guess what it took me eon to hack your tumblr but still i manage to do that. WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN UH?! Many could not contact you and stuff, whats going on these days? It’s worrying you know?! If know if i were to text you chances of you replying my text messages are DAMN LOW! I remembered your tumblr email and i tried hacking it in and guess what TADA here i am. Ever since the last time we talk on the phone that was like 2 months ago ever since then many tried contacting you they just can’t seem to be able to reach you. Was wondering what are you up to these days. Hope your alright and i found a very shocking news, what did you PROMISE Grace?!

I don’t understand why did you choose to do that for her after what had happen for the past few years. Time and time again you know how disappointing it can get between you and her. You must be wondering who am i uh uh uh uh?! It’s you all time irritating Arial the GREAT! HA!

Like what you always say desperate situation comes with desperate measure and here i am in your blog. I know many things happen to you lately and about the recent one concerning Apple i know even i myself find it hard to accept but still it’s fact we can’t deny after all what done is done am i right? Can you like please CONTACT ME WHEN YOU SEE THIS UH?! IDIOT! MISS YOU A LOT YOU KNOW! YOU AND YOUR GRASS HAIR IT’S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I MET YOU OR EVEN HEAR YOUR VOICE! Don’t worry your always the Kenneth and i know you know what i mean.

DEAREST SISTER,

Arial ( T.N.R ) <3

3am

I have so much to say to you but i just can’t seems to have the courage to tell you. After so much that had happen i really no longer know what i want. My heartache each time you started telling me how sad you are. I would just try to be there but i would always draw a line between us on how much futher we can get. Maybe i no longer have the courage anymore ever since what i had gone through in the past. Deep down inside my heart i would tell myself not to over do it but somehow i always just cross the line but i manage to pull it back in time. Each time i did it i felt so uncomfortable and each time i asked why myself why am i doing this?

Maybe even i myself could not understand myself after all. The current me right now is just a total trash maybe this is the reason why up till now i choose to stay like this. I need time for myself i guess, till the day when i am ready i guess it will be the time i fulfill my promises. 6 months is all i need and trust me i will success somehow. Blogging on a blog that has no readers how dumb can it get, maybe it’s a good thing at least there is a place where i could just pour everything out. It’s not that i am brave, it’s that i have to be brave.

6 months is all i need and trust me when the time is up i will be there as promise.

10pm

Currently drinking and smoking my lungs off again. Don’t understand what wrong with me lately i guess i shall go into seclusion soon. I really need some time off from everything. Don’t understand what the hell is wrong with me like seriously. I kept telling people have you ever wonder why people could live their life happily? Yet i myself could not do it. Too many depressing stuff happen lately. Family, friends, brothers, girlfriend like why can’t i balance everything out.

I tried and tried till a point when i to tired of everything. I was think i could just live life carefree but i realize i was wrong. If i could just disappear in this miserable world won’t that be a good thing? What could happen if my existence is being erase from this world. Like seriously who needs me?

I can’t believe i have today looking down on myself. I know it doesn’t sound like me but it’s a fact that i am feeling this way. I am trying so hard to deny this screwed up feeling but i failed terribly. I only i could rewind to a time that was better, if only i could have a reset button. If only everything could be undone. If…..

No point ranting about how pathetic i am right now because it’s not helping but i just can’t seems to help it. Feeling pathetic is all i could do now…. I guess i am no longer myself anymore..

2am

Currently slacking inside my uncle’s car listening to music and chill. Brought my laptop with me cause their like inside Zouk with my GIRLFRIEND. I seriously don’t understand why she love to tag along she seems to be like some super glue with tons and tons of request and demand. Reason being why i refuse to go in is because i seriously don’t really have the mood to even go in and drink. These days are nothing but hectic for me. Rushing here and there everyday is very tiring seriously.. All i ask for was some peace in life. It’s damn sickening everyday knowing that the next day is just another waste of time day.

Quarreled with my girlfriend like practically everyday… Don’t even understand why i am i still with her right now. Aren’t the show suppose to end already? Don’t understand what am i stress about like seriously what is there to stress about…. Gosh it’s been really quite sometimes since i felt this way and i don’t understand why am i feeling this way. DAMN IT!

I guess it’s about time i do something about it, i shall make my move this time round and end this crap once and for all. Be it relationship, life or whatever it’s time i do something about it. I am seriously damn sick and tired of such shit already.

10pm

It’s been awhile since i really blog about something. Many things have been running through my mind to a point of i don’t know what to do except staying at home not doing anything. I have a favor to return though i am making a very big risk on this decision. I seriously don’t know what to do? Should i just go back my old ways and live the life i use to live or should i just be what i am now? I seriously am confused it’s always my conscious that end up screwing up my decision. At many of a time human are selfish all they thought is about themselves, i won’t forget what you did for me and how you took care of me. You gave me a feeling of when i am in need of help you will be there for me.

Many things are running through my mind right now and i am so damn lost about what to do. Things just aren’t so simple like living with my life and move on ignoring the guilt inside me. I wish i could do that but i can’t. I believe things happen for a reason. Every stage in life are meant to be a step of success be it good or bad, it’s the lesson we learn after every stage. Escaping from it doesn’t help but making things worst which leads to confusion.

If life is just that simple… Sometimes i really do wish or deep down inside that i could just me more capable. Looking at me right now is just a reflection of a chunk of trash. Breakthrough in life? Believe in god? Pray? Hoping for miracle to happen? If only i knew what to do. Committing the same mistake over and over again. When will i learn my lesson.

I seriously don’t know what to do right now… If only i am strong enough to keep walking through this hell i am in right now. Walking down this road alone is not as easy as what i think, i use to think i am capable to handle things but up to this point of time i realize i am nothing but just empty talk.

I seriously need sometime to consider about this path i am walking in time soon, i don’t wish to regret again.

12am

People Call Me Crazy I Call It Love!

10pm

I know what it’s like to have a disconnected youth. I know the fix of stimulants, the destruction that we require to feel, growing up but wanting to grow away, the young love, the social problems and the sense of living at a right angle to the rest of the world.

12am

It’s been awhile since i really post and stuff… Quite contented with life now at least i have peace right now. My life is not as happening as it use to be but i guess it’s better this way at least i can stay out of trouble. I don’t really know what to blog about…

I shall post a picture of an elephant, steamboat, shorty and a girl full of nonsense!

TADA!!!

This girl here is Fiona! I have tons of comment about her but shall keep it to myself because if i were to post about it. She gonna kill me =D

11am

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO POST RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I AM SICK AND TIRED OF LIFE =D

11pm

Since no one will be looking at my blog i guess it’s okay to post something personal here. Today is the day i realize what kind of person am i.

This post today is meant for you Grace.

I know you will read my blog everyday be it i update it everyday or not. I am not the good guy you think i am. Forgive me for what i had done today. I know i should have just reject the offer Dino propose to me. I know and you know i hate to lose and my ego is so damn strong. Knowing what the result would be i still accept his offering knowing i would win.

During my fight with him in the ring i was feeling damn guilty i even wanted to just let him win the fight but yet i choose not too because i hate to lose which ended up him badly hurt. I am sorry for his arm i really don’t mean to break his arm i swear. Please forgive me. You know and i know we can’t be together even if i won that fight but i still want to win because of my pride. You know i could lose everything expect my pride. I admit i am a prideful person and i know my ego is very strong.

It’s been so long yet i still refused to change during those times with Shu Yun she told me off a thousand times and yet i am still what i am now. I am utterly sorry Grace. I don’t know what to tell you face to face i would rather write it here. I know he loves you but i just hate to lose. I know he would feel utterly disgrace and i know he wants to win. The moment he propose to me for a fight i already knew he did it for you and yet i still refuse to give in and yet i insist to fight him.

I know what he said was not what he meant he said it out of anger. I knew i should not have said those words to you in front of everyone but i think it’s better that way. You know i am not a good guy to begin with and you know my playfulness always cause me to be in trouble. Like what i told you recently about me and Fiona. Confessing to someone when i am not even sure if i mean it a not.

You knew me for like 6 years you seen me in my worst and my best but till today i am still my old nonsense self. You know i only show my playful side unless it’s someone i trust a lot. You knew that we are just different worlds a part, i have already failed big in my last relationship i don’t wish to have another second failure in my relationship.

Which causes me to be single up till today even if i could have a happy ending with many girls whom have feelings for me. I am not handsome, smart, dashing, cute i can’t even compare myself to a pile of shit. I seriously don’t wish to hurt you futher please understand and i Kenneth the big time failure. I failed being a son, brother, good friend, student and even a boyfriend. I seriously don’t wish to be a burden in your life. As you could see my life right now is so screwed up. So many things happen in my life and i am really losing my mind.

Everyday is just another nightmare for me. I am trying very hard to pull this through. Please understand i know you knew me best so please give me time alright? You knew whoever ended up with me will never have a happy ending. I am just too use to my carefree life. Lastly be who you are and don’t change yourself because of me. I like you for who you are =D

8pm

Paying too much attention to what you have lost,

You would neglect what you have now.

It is unfortunate that we often do not realize

What we have until we lose them

Take a good look around you,

And you will recognize many things that have not been lost.

8pm